Have Yourself a Tacky Little Christmas

What is this sickness that makes one want to throw party after party? Whatever it is, Polly and I both have a raging case of it.

Right after cleaning up from our Thanksgiving Day fondue party and traditional feast, we set our sights on Christmas. Was there a party to be had? Oh, yes, there was: A Tacky Christmas Party on the Hill! Visions of tacky Christmas sweaters, cheese whiz and Ritz crackers, and tinsel, lots and lots of tinsel, filled our party-planning heads.

In an instant, the party preparations were in full swing. Invitations were sent out. The house and Mom-cabin were dolled up with twinkle lights and tinsel. And a menu of tacky finger foods was drawn up.

An unexpected boon to our party planning was finding the “Twinkie Cookbook” at a local Sonoma shop. Oh, the things you can do with Twinkies! The tackiness factor is breathtaking. Choices had to be made and we decided on Twinkie petite fours, Twinkie kabobs (with fruit and marshmallows), and… wait for it… Twinkie sushi!

Another featured food was a take-off on the classic gingerbread house: the Salami Roll-up House! Polly and I put Gideon to the task of constructing the house, a task he took to with the aplomb of a Swedish architect. I was his labor force, rolling perhaps hundreds of salami rolls, which he attached to a Styrofoam, cardboard, and foil frame with a calking of cheese whiz. The roof tiles were bright orange carrot slices. The house was completed just after midnight the night before the party and set in the refrigerator to chill. The next morning, we opened the refrigerator and to our horror, found that the carrot tiles had slid right off the house and were decorating the shelves and condiments in the frig. Architect Gideon had a meltdown and laborer Emily took control of the situation. Globs of cream cheese smeared all over the roof did the trick and kept the roof tiles in place. The moment the roof was fixed, the salami walls began tumbling off in great chunks. Not to worry, more cream cheese smear was all that was needed. Salami Roll-up House done.


Now, for the tacky outfits. Aaron was easy. We just shoved him in a Santa suit. Polly found that a Christmas tree skirt makes a stunning cape, and accessorized with silk poinsettias glued to her shoes, and a feathered Christmas tree stuck to the top of her head. (After running the Christmas tree hat into the door frame one too many times, she had to switch to a giant poinsettia barrette.)

Gideon found Christmas pajama bottoms and a silky vest at the Church Mouse thrift shop. I could not find a tacky sweater to my liking, so I decided to fashion my own. A clearance sweater from Target plus a few elf-shoe appliqués sewn to my chest just so, and a trim of red boa feathers, plus a pair of candy cane stockings put me squarely in tacky territory.


But the prize for “The Tackiest Guest of All” went to three-year-old guest, Ella, who set jaws dropping with her red velvet bustier, gold leather mini-skirt, leopard-print stuffed brassiere, and over-the-top make-up. Ella’s mom, Lisa, was real proud of her tacky little protégé. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…





With the food and outfits done, we just covered the place in tinsel, busted open the beer and wine, and welcomed our tacky friends to the party. The invitation said the party was from 2 to 6 pm, but we partied until midnight, along the way exchanging white elephant gifts, noshing on Twinkies, salami, and Christmas tree-shaped peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwiches, and singing all the Christmas carols, 80’s songs and show tunes we could come up with around the fire pit. By the way, if you really want to get to know a secret side of your friends, get them boozed up and have them start singing around a camp fire… You’ll be pleasantly surprised to learn which of your friends are closet show tune buffs, who’s been holding out their operatic talents, and just how many of your friends couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.


To say a good time was had by all would be an understatement. The tackiest time EVER was had by all! And we can’t wait to do it again next year!

I hope you had a very merry Christmas and here’s wishing you and yours a happy New Year! I hope you find time to enjoy the tackier things in life in 2010!